I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
