They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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