You're a womanizer and a bitch.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
