im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
