so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
