Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
He passed out mid-signature
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
