so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
