I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
