I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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