I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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