I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize