I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
