u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
