My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
barbara walters just said penis...
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
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