I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
