I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
