I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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