New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
