i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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