i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize