I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
