I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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