To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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