i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
