Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
