I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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