I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Randomize
