Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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