If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
