I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
