I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
