WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
