I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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