He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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