so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
