i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
