Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
