Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
