He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
