its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
