Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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