my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
