I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Randomize
