I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
