he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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