Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
