update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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