My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Can I color on your dick again?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
