I think my fart just growled at me.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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