Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
