Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
