I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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