The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
