Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
