he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
