Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
