i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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